theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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