I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So many bounce houses so little time
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
