I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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