the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
