i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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