i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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