There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
