I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
