so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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