You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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