apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
