this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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