John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
