you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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