She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
