Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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