Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
