things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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