My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
