It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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