just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
