did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
