I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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