So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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