The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
