My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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