Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
