god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
