in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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