finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
