The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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