he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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