he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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