My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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