So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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