she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
