I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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