Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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