Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
