i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
