I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
