I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
