it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
