Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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