i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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