Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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