I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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