The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
