Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
