you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
