dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
