he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
