My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
