Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just had sex on a roof
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
