Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
