You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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