dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
